pain
by lunarviolence
Summary: In which falling in love was the great depression. — [slight] zuko x katara


_PAIN BY_ _LUNARVIOLENCE_

**Summary:** Pain is a state of mind. And to fall in love might be humanity's great depression.

**Author's Note: **hello friends. once again i have written another fanfic about zuko and katara and im actually kind of happy? this isnt a happy ending actually but by now most of you would be used to it bc zutara isnt canon ((i still cry)) but yeah i just wanted to make it as realistic as possible with a dash of zutara!

anyway, im sorry for the errors. please do review i guess? and btw, i forgot to put a disclaimer on my previous fanfic: insanity. i just want to put it out there as well that I DONT OWN ANY OF THE CHARACTERS OK and im sad.

another thing: THIS MAY OR MAY NOT BE A SEQUEL TO MY PREVIOUS FANFIC 'INSANITY'.

so without further ado, i present to you: pain.

* * *

Pain is a state of mind. And sometimes, you can decide whether to feel the pain or not. But most of the time, you let it consume you.

My name is Katara of the Southern Water Tribe.

And this is the story of how I fell in love.

And how much it all hurt.

* * *

It was the first peaceful summer we have had in a very long time. And we spent it in our enemies' land, the Fire Nation. And in all honesty, I liked the Fire Nation.

And a certain someone who was titled as the Fire Lord.

If you don't know what a Fire Lord is, he basically rules the whole Fire Nation. The Fire Lord right now, Zuko, is doing a good job at it. He's a good Fire Lord. The right person to rule the wrong nation.

Another thing about Fire Lords? They marry someone _perfect _for them. Not just some lowly waterbending peasant.

Nope, Zuko is too good for _some lowly waterbending peasant_.

Oh spirits, it hurts.

* * *

I don't know how it happened. It just did.

What did, you might ask? Nothing else but the inevitable fall of my stupid affections for the stupid firebender.

Gold eyes, lean body, and a _powerful bender._

But it wasn't his appearance that made me want to be in his arms and call it home.

It was the way he made me feel alive and safe. He would always ask how I'm doing, or if I'm liking the Fire Nation, or just random questions here and there. But on top of all that, it was how he _looked_ at me. And his golden gaze is just so deliriously lovely just like the fire he bends and it occured to me that I'd be willing to be consumed any second of any day and hide in the depths of his eyes forever.

And one day, we got too close.

So he apologized and left. And it hurt.

* * *

I'm in an unofficial relationship with Aang. I know, it's confusing. Believe me, I'm also confused. We hug and kiss and spend everyday together like real lovers do but Aang never really asked me _the _question, you know? He pretty much assumed that we're together and I couldn't really say anything because he just went through hell. I know, that sounded _really_ bad.

But here's the thing: I'm happy with him but he's happier with me.

I know, I know. Now you're really confused. But that is the summary of our relationship. We love each other, but he loves me more. I don't return the same amount of affection. I adore Aang. I really do. But I don't want to hurt him.

I can't hurt him, I just can't. Our love is unrequited, and it hurts.

* * *

The day I told Aang I didn't feel the same way was the day I felt free. Yeah, it sounds bad but that's how I really feel. I'm not a good girlfriend, I am just 15 after all.

But then, that was the same day Mai came back. The same day Mai came to me and my friends and apologized for every trouble she caused in her same monotonous voice and blank face. The same day I saw her truly smile for the very first time because she was reunited with Zuko. The same day Zuko told her that he had missed her so much. And the same day I instantly knew _she_ was the _perfect_ Fire Lady for Zuko.

Later that night, I cried myself to sleep.

Life is so unfair and it hurt.

* * *

Mai and Zuko were getting married in a month. Time flies too damn fast sometimes.

I wanted to rip my hair out and scream, but instead I excused myself.

"Hey, where are you going?" my brother asked me. Apparently, Sokka was the one who told me about the date of the damned matrimony.

"To congratulate Zuko, duh." Nope. Not really. I just wanted to get away from life and never come back. Maybe I should just go drown myself or something.

I walked around the palace hoping I'd get lost and starve myself to death but fate had to show me how much the universe hated me.

I bumped into Zuko.

"Katara," he said. Oh spirits, his voice. "What are you doing here?"

"Oh, uhm...I was actually looking for you!" I added a nervous laugh to help calm my nerves. "I heard you were getting married in a month! I'm so happy for you. Sparky's growing up fast, huh?"

"Uhm, yeah. Quite nervous, to be honest."

"Why so?" I asked. Damn it all, why did you have to bump into him?

"Well, I am getting married, so..."

Of course, Katara. You just had to ask. "Well, congratulations to you and Mai, anyway!" I added a forced smile to let him know that I'm happy for him.

And he smiled back at me.

I don't think you understand why I wanted to melt right then and there. Zuko's smiles were very rare, and yet breathtaking. It makes you feel completely happy.

Oh, how lucky Mai must be to get that kind of smile everyday. And to be loved by him.

Without thinking, I stepped forward to hug him. And the moment I hugged him, my smile vanished. He did hug me back, and I should tell you his hugs are literally the warmest.

And to think that Mai will live with this kind of warmth _'til death do them part_.

I have to stop thinking about him. It hurts too much.

* * *

"You may now kiss the bride."

As everyone applauded for the couple, I turned my head away with a frown becuase everything hurts.

* * *

It finally was the wedding party and Zuko was drunk. Although, he wasn't the barely-walking-straight-drunk, he was still partly sober. But he was slurring his words a bit.

And he was telling me how much he used to love me.

Yes, _used to love me_.

He said he fell in love with me before the war ended, and that I was the most important person in the world during the battle with Azula, and all the other days after he hurt me during the battle at the crystal catacombs. He said that he would've done everything to keep me safe and happy. He told me how much he wanted me to become his home, and I, his.

And he told me how _insane_ he was for me.

But then he told me I was too good for him and I deserved Aang. He told me he realized that I was happy with Aang and that was all that mattered, so he let me go.

He moved on. It hurt for him, he told me. _It hurt so fucking much _were his exact words.

Until he was reunited with Mai and never felt happier.

"Well, I'm happy for you. You are better off with Mai, after all!" I joked and forced a laugh.

"Yes, Katara. I am happy. Thanks, for being my friend and all. I'm glad you're here tonight."

And again, the smile that was so heart-achingly beautiful.

And because of that, I couldn't tell him that I loved him back. Why? Because he was so fucking happy. With Mai. Not me, but with Mai.

I realized we did love each other. Just not at the same time.

And with that thought in mind, I hugged him one last time. Not as an ally, a friend, or even a best friend, but as a lover pining for love that could've been.

"Now excuse me, but I have to look for my wife." he smiled with a gleam in his golden eyes. He was still half-drunk half-sober, but I know he meant everything he just said.

And it all fucking hurt.


End file.
